Pain | nadia-writing

Pain

I’m still breathing

I have died so many deaths.

I have choked in my own tears while mourning for my soul.
I broke my heart while mourning for my love.
I bled dry while cutting the pain out of my heart.
I have died over and over again.
But still there must be some life left in me.
I'm still breathing.

My truth

I'm not difficult, I'm just not easy. Big difference. You don't need to understand me. I don't understand me either. Believe me I tried. It's such a waste of time. Disagree with me. Have a different opinion. I love a good discussion. See what I see, but see it differently. My truth doesn't have to be your truth. So don't expect your truth to be mine either.

If life would be simple, it wouldn't be that difficult. Love is only beautiful when it's fucking hard.
Life sucks. And then you die.

My truth.

Life as I knew it

Have you ever felt like every certainty you had, is wiped away in one single moment? That in one single moment your world collapses? Well I have. Life as I knew it, would never be the same.
I broke down and couldn't stop crying. I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep. I felt betrayed, because I didn't understand. And because I didn't understand, I blamed myself. Was everything I thought to be true a lie? All those promises didn't mean anything anymore?
I was ready to call it quits, because I couldn't bare feeling the pain anymore. I snapped out of the moment when I realized I was in my pajamas and I didn't want to go that way. Life can be funny that way.
My friends would call me every day to make sure I was still in my pajamas. They listened to the same story over and over. I also thought of the promise I once made to you. My pajamas, my friends and my promise saved me.

You don't need to hear my voice to know what I am saying. You don't need to hold my hand to feel me. You don't need to look into my eyes to see my soul. And vice versa I don't need it either.
Words don't even matter anymore. Even in silence you can still read my mind. But still the silence hurts sometimes. I still feel your presence and your pain, I always will. Lies were never there, I know now the truth never changed. I believe and I know.
Despite the absence, despite the silence, I wait for change. Change will come, one day.

Listen to your heart and you will hear me speak. With every step you take, you will feel me next to you. Look inside yourself and you will see my soul.

The mask you wear so perfectly

Certain people have invaded my thoughts the last couple of days. I call it invasion, because I have been trying so hard to block these people out of my mind. I guess it didn’t work. Sometimes someone can destroy so much, that even the good memories disappear. Those memories used to bring a smile on my face, but now everything has changed. Anger and bitterness remain. I blamed myself at first, although I didn't even know what had happened. I still believed in your sincerity, because I needed to. I still believed in your goodness, because I wanted to. You said you never wanted to hurt me. But you did it anyway. I guess actions speak louder than words.

But it's over now. I have stopped believing in you. I don't believe in what you are trying to represent. You have been playing your act for so long, you have started to believe in it yourself. You are a misrepresentation of yourself. I know I have my faults and flaws, I know I am not perfect. But at least I can say I am perfectly myself. The only perfection you have is how you wear your mask. You are wearing it so perfectly that no one knows and no one sees who you really are. In the end I knew and I saw. You made me pay the price for that. But ultimately you will pay that price. Your mask will fade away and the people will see you for who you are. You are just a shell now, an empty shell. If you keep wearing your mask, you will never find happiness. You keep searching for it, but I know you still haven't found it. You have crossed the world, so desperately to find a hint of happiness. But you will never find happiness if you cannot be yourself. You think you have been cursed, but the only curse there is, is the one you put on yourself.

The good memories are still there, but I have buried them. One day I will be able to let those memories surface and maybe it will put a smile on my face again. Until then the memories of you are locked up inside of me, your existence only visible in pictures I won't look at again.
I don't feel vengeance. Behind the anger and bitterness I still have hope for you; hope that you will be able to find yourself behind the mask you wear so perfectly.

Chasing dreams

When you walked away, I couldn't move. I let you walk away until you were nothing but a fragment of my imagination. Your existence only remained in my mind. I believed in you, I believed in us. I forgot to believe in myself. Your dreams became mine. It didn't matter what I wanted. It was never a part of your dreams. I got captured in your world. I forgot what my world looked like. I altered myself, so I could be who I thought you wanted me to be. You didn't ask me to do this, but you didn't mind it happened. I followed your dreams everywhere. I was convinced I could fulfill your dreams, but somehow I was afraid I couldn't fulfill my own.
So I buried my dreams and focused on yours. It felt so much easier. There was never a weight on my shoulders, because I was good in chasing dreams for everyone else but myself. I was ready to change my life for you. I had already given up so much, but I believed it was for a greater good. My best friend asked me if this was what I needed to do or what I wanted to do. I couldn't answer the question, but our conversation kept haunting me. So I let you walk away. Left with nothing, I didn't know who I was anymore. I couldn't remember where my dreams were buried. I put all of your dreams in a box. They were no longer my dreams to chase.

I have learned from this all and I have never regretted being with you. I hope I won't make the same mistakes again though. I will always do my best to help other people pursuing their dreams, I just won't chase them myself anymore. I have my own dreams now. And no matter how small they are, they're my dreams.

What if?

I don't do New Year resolutions. I do birthday regrets.

It's that time of year again. In a few days I will turn 35. Regrets.
Regrets. Every tear rolling down my face is a regret. As the tears keep coming, I lose count. Too many regrets.
Some people like to say; Don't do anything you might regret later. As far as I am concerned, that's a load of crap. The biggest regret is the 'what if' regret. Regrets about all the things you could have done, but never did.
Today I let my thoughts wander off to all the 'what if's' in my life, as it is tradition around my birthday. I hope next year there will be less tears. Less regrets.
But now as the tears keep falling, I ask myself over and over again; What if?

My bleeding heart

My heart is bleeding like the cuts I carved into my skin. I try to numb out my heartache, so I cut deeper. Like it was made of glass, my heart is breaking into a million pieces. There is no need to gather all the pieces, because I will never love anyone else but you. I am heading to self destruction in an awful speed. I wasnt able to cut out the pain, so I will have to do it again and again, until there is nothing left to cut, until there is nothing left to bleed, until there is nothing left of me. I will be nothing more than an imagination, a soft breeze in the sky, a ray of sunlight on your face. All I want is for you to love me, but all I feel is pain; a pain that is so deep inside of me, I can never cut out.