Life | nadia-writing

Life

Choices

We all make choices in life, we all face crossroads in life in which we have to make a choice. Sometimes we wish that other people could make certain choices for us, because it would make things easier. Sometimes we think we don’t have a choice in things we have no control over. We all have choices, always. The saying ‘You leave me no choice’ is probably the biggest crap I have ever heard, but it is a great excuse for people to use, when they want to put the blame at the other person.

We have created sayings so we can escape from our responsibilities, find excuses for doing certain things and feel better about ourselves, because if we convince ourselves that we had no choice, we won’t have to look into the mirror and feel ashamed.

A lot of people make certain choices out of selfish reasons; people try to push others in making choices that will benefit them and others make choices and try to cover it up, because they don’t want to be honest about it, the so called hidden agenda, while others want to shout their choices from the rooftops, so the world will know. It all comes down to one thing; we make choices out of selfish reasons, if there is nothing to gain we walk away.

If someone chooses to donate money to a good cause, he wants to be acknowledged for it.If someone chooses not to help someone, they hide behind their inability. If someone tries to push someone toward a certain choice, they use ultimatums: “If you don’t do this, I will…” One thing I am allergic to is when people try to use ultimatums with me. That will always backfire. I don’t listen to ultimatums and I will never negotiate.

Some choices leave people hurt, angry, sad or disappointed. Sometimes it is done on purpose, sometimes its not. Sometimes you have to choose for yourself and follow your own heart, no matter if you leave people hurt. But if you do, stand tall and don’t hide behind excuses. You made a choice for you; it is your life, your happiness and that is something you can be proud of, no matter what other people might say or think.

We could also make a choice sometimes to do something nice for someone else, when there is nothing to gain. Buy your neighbor flowers, buy a homeless person dinner, and make the choice that you are going to make a difference in someone’s life by just simply making that choice. Can it be that simple? Yes, I think it can!
If you had a lousy morning, miss your buss, step in dog shit and have to run in the rain to work and when you arrive all soaking wet, smelling like you just stepped out a pile of manure, there is a nice cup of coffee, just the way you like it, waiting for you, wouldn’t your entire day brighten up?

And maybe, just maybe, if we keep making the choice to make a difference for someone else again and again, we start doing it without even thinking about it, it would be just like riding a bike. Maybe I will forget about all of this tomorrow already when I step into the everyday world again, but I will remind myself again and again and keep making those choices until it is just like riding a bike.

My secret

I have been keeping a secret for quite some time now. I have felt the secret, I even dreamt the secret, but I never acknowledged it. I have been in denial about this secret for many months now, but secretly while lying in bed, I would, still awake, dream about my secret. I would escape what is and would dream about what could be.
When people would ask me about it, I would just deny its existence. I would return to my every day routine and would go on being in denial. The secret makes me smile, but at the same time makes me cry. It makes me love, but at the same time makes me scared. My secret is like an aphrodisiac. It’s a drug so addictive; it stays inside of you, even if you don't want to. Like any drug, it also has its side effects; it's unpredictable, heart wrenching and hurtful at times. There have been times I just wanted to dispose of my secret, I didn't want it no more. I was just ready to give up on my secret. But somehow my secret was so precious; I had to cling on to it.
My secret involves a lot of people, some know they are part of my secret, others don't. Some people anxiously want to know about my secret, others would rather run away and never look back.
The moments I feel my secret the most is when I am with the people I love. Just hanging out, talking with the people I love makes me feel my secret so intensely. I breath my secret at moments like that. The people you love and love you can do that with you. But still at those moments they still don't realize my secret is there, they don't think about it. But I do know if my secret would ever vanish, they would miss it.
I have carried my secret with me for so long now. Sometimes I forget about it, sometimes I enjoy it and sometimes I almost hate my secret.
The past year my secret had become a struggle, so much even I pretended my secret wasn't there. I buried my secret in work, denial and insomnia. But finally my secret hit me in the head with a frying pan.

So now I have decided to finally acknowledge the secret, to embrace it, to do with it what I want, to make the people I love a part of the secret, like they have always been secretly. It is a liberating, but scary feeling.

My secret is life. What's yours?

Past, present, future

A lot of people always say: Dont look back at the past, but live in the present and look at the future. It is so easy to say and so hard to do. How can you not look at the past, when it is the past that defines who you are in the present and how you look at the future? Every day you create more past and less future. In this last week I added quite some hard moments to my past. So I had to use the present to deal with the past and again there is less future left. Recently losing someone who was an important part of my present and future, also dragged me back to the past. My body is in the present, but my soul is in the past and in my mind there is no future.

The past, present and future are always linked together. With your closest friends you talk about your past, while you make new memories together in the present and make plans for the future. You can never change the past, but you can always change the course of your future. Sometimes because you have no other choice and sometimes because you want to.

A good friend of mine sent me a message this week. It said: When the tide of life turns against you and the current upsets your boat, don't waste your time on what might have been. Just lie on your back and float.

So I'll just float and see where life takes me. I'll just do what I want to do now and leave the future where it belongs; in the future. What I want now is to be happy. I am trying. And in the meanwhile I'll float on the waves that life gives me. I'll try not to sink.

I'm Italian. I am Dutch. I'm stubborn, I have a big mouth, I am brutally honest and I expect the same in return. I act tough, but sometimes I am not. I trust people until they prove otherwise. I can be a total bitch. I can be a complete sweetheart. I am open and straight forward. I rather know then be kept in the dark, no matter if it hurts like hell. Not knowing eats me alive. I love adventure. I hate routine. I am easy. I am difficult. I forgive, but never forget. If you screw me over, I will get revenge. When things get boring, I hate life. When I take risks, I love life.

I want to go to Africa and start my own elephant farm. I want to move to the States and start my own mob family. I want to travel all over the world. I want to have sex in the jungle. I want to kiss a whale. I want to paint 100 naked men. I want to drive to the sun without getting a sunburn. I want to become rich without getting caught.

I have nightmares. I am scared, but not afraid. I need someone around. Sometimes. I need to be alone. Lots of times. I think a lot. I say less. I expect a lot. I get little. I am a walking understatement. I am a sleeping over achiever. I live for pain. I love for lust.

Suck it up or let it out. Be honest or be gone. Be with me or against me. Kiss my lips or kiss my ass. If you cannot love me, hate me. It's still an emotion. Feel me. Touch me. You can walk away. But never let me go. Life sucks. Suck life. Before it's gone.

Silence

The silence is deafening. The voices in my head are talking so fast, I can barely comprehend.
I wonder what language they are speaking, because I don't understand a word. I try to decipher the words, but nothing sounds familiar. The silence surrounds me like a fog. I try not to listen, but I can't escape the silence. Everywhere I go, the silence follows me. The only thing I can do is embrace it and let it lead me. I wonder where I'll go.

Talking shit

Don't speak. Just let me clear my thoughts before you say something. Ok I am ready. Go ahead.
Too bad. You're still talking shit. And it smells bad. My thoughts are clouded again. Or should I say crowded?
Shit seems to stick. More than beauty. I keep repeating it in my mind. Words can have such an impact. I can still hear you say it in my mind. After I am done thinking, you have said it a million times.
Silence can be so beautiful, especially when it is coming from you. So peaceful. So quiet.
Sadly it won't take long. There you go blabbing again. It is not a gift to separate the shit from the beauty. It is a gift to separate it in your thoughts. Some people will always talk shit. Don't waste your energy.

Next time someone talks shit... Just flush!

Mirror

Why are you afraid of me? Why do you feel the need to walk away? Am I too confronting for you? Do I tell you things no one has ever told you before?
The times that you don't want to look in the mirror, are exactly the times that you should. You can avoid the mirror and accept the always nagging pain somewhere deep in your heart or you can confront it, feel pain like you never have before, heal your wounds and then walk out of it better than before.
You stay within your own comfort zone. It is what you know, it is where you feel safe. Sometimes you try to take one step out of your comfort zone, but you freak out and run back, making your world even smaller than it already was. Your dreams are bigger than the comfort zone you live in. You can stay and think about what could have been or you can take that step and follow your dreams.

I was your mirror. I was the one telling you to step out of your comfort zone. You got scared and pushed away the one person who believes you are bigger than life, the one person who believes in your dreams. You banned your mirror out of your life, so you could feel safe again. Now you are living the life you know again, surrounded by people who don't know you, surrounded by people who will never come too close.

But beside me, there is still one person left who believes you are bigger than life and who believes in your dreams. Please don't push him away. Without him you will be captured in your comfort zone forever.
Listen to him, embrace him and love him. Maybe you can't right now, but there will come a time you can.
And if the time comes you can, just look in the mirror.

Listen

Please don't interrupt me when I am listening to you. It's not very polite.

When I talk, you can speak. You don't need to listen. Please don't absorb every word that comes from my mouth. You can give the same reply to completely different answers. That should be enough.

You rule the world with talk. Small talk, speeches, presentations, interruptions. The one with the biggest mouth wins. You. I speak two words and you interrupt. You cannot read between the lines. You can speak between the lines. You hear the words, but you speak before you listen. You don't need to listen. You already listen to yourself when you talk. That should be enough.

Won't it be awkward when one day you talk and there is no one left to listen?