Love | nadia-writing

Love

The pieces of my heart

I am not afraid to die, I'm just scared you'll break my heart. I am not afraid of pain, I'm just scared you'll leave me hurt.

Letting down my guard, letting go completely is all but easy. It's hard to feel trust, when time after time people show that honesty is just a fairytale. A heart can only be broken in so many pieces. After a while there is nothing left to break, but also nothing left to fix.

I show you all the pieces of my heart, not for you to fix it, but to take all those pieces and accept each broken piece of my heart. I am giving you all those pieces to keep them safe, not to smash them to the ground until the pieces are too small for your love to see them. I am asking you to cherish all the pieces and show me that even a broken heart is worth loving.

Even if I'm scared, even if my heart could break beyond fixing ever again, I will give you all the pieces of my heart and trust that you will keep them safe. All you have to do is open your hands and accept them.

Unspoken words

Sometimes you feel you have lost someone, while they are still around. You try to hold on to them, but you feel them slowly slipping away from you. It is not certain events that make you realize this loss. It is a distance you feel when you sit next to each other. The unspoken words will never be heard, but are felt so much more. The understanding vanishes, the disbelief remains. You want to save what is still there, grasp on to what is left, build what has fallen apart. But with every brick you place back, you have a feeling two bricks fall down again. All that remains is the ruins of what once was a beautiful friendship.

Words mean nothing in the end. Words are empty when they are not spoken from the heart. But still people take greater value to what is said instead of what is felt. But isn’t it so much better to know and feel that there is someone in your life who will always have your back, who will always be there for you without you even having to ask? And isn’t it beautiful when that someone also shows you that the sense of loss you had, is ungrounded? Your best friend is the one who will show you the value of your other close friends; because he knows he will never be replaced. Your best friend is the one who will tell you the truth, because he knows you can handle hearing it from him. Your best friend is the one who will tell you the unspoken words you felt are wrong, because he knows you can be dyslexic at times.

Sometimes you have to let go of the feeling you have and trust that, no matter how many bricks fall down, the foundation you have built together is strong enough to hold a lifetime.

The forest

Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I scream, no one can hear me, as if my screams are silenced by the invisible tears I cry. And the more people don’t respond to my screams for help, the more I feel alone. Walls go up again and I am caught in the lonely feeling called hurt. I have never been a priority to no one, because when I cry out for help, I am not on anyone’s to do list for that day. So many broken promises, so many broken dreams and so many disappointments. So I have always relied on myself, no matter how hard it was. I always believed in the above and I have held on to that truth for so long.

But what do you do when someone breaks down that wall and won’t allow you to ever build it back again? What do you do when someone already hears you before you even cry out? What do you do when someone is always there for you no matter what? What do you do when you are at the top of someone’s to do list?

I was scared shitless, because someone took me outside of these familiar walls and dropped me in the middle of a forest. It was a forest I had never seen before and it made me scared not knowing what was behind each tree.
But with every tree I passed, it got easier to take the next step. After a while I knew I was walking on solid ground and I could trust that behind every tree there was another one with even bigger roots. The deeper I walked into the forest, the more beautiful it became.

Sometimes I still got scared and would hide behind the tree where I hoped no one would see me. I would try to find bricks to build up a wall again in the middle of that forest. But no bricks could be found in this forest and every time I got scared, I felt a gentle push guiding me to the next tree.

The forest has a river to swim in, but never to drown in. The forest has plants, but none of them are poisonous. The forest provides light when there is darkness. The forest is open and endless, but still gives safety and comfort within its borders. The forest can never be conquered by others, for its borders are too strong to break.

This forest is our realm; a realm with an endless journey, a realm better known as our friendship.